Face it, we’re no longer young single 20-year-olds free to come and go as we please. If you’re thinking of dating, it’s likely that you’re a newly divorced or widowed mom with children. So, getting back into the groove of dating for the 40+ woman becomes even more challenging. Not only must you learn how to adapt to the new dating scene, but you must also consider your children and their needs. Isn’t it funny how we had to answer to our parents when we first began dating in our teens, and now we need to answer to our children as we begin dating in our 40s?! Not to worry, we’ve got all the pointers to make sure that you, your kids, and your dating partner will be able to navigate these tricky waters and maybe end up like The Brady Bunch (sorry, sans housekeeper Alice!).
Dating Tips for Women with Children in the House:
- Are You Ready for Dating?: Before starting to date, the most important thing is for you to determine whether you are emotionally ready. Are you truly over your ex? Why are you dating? Is it because of loneliness, revenge, or FOMO? Interestingly, several studies show that women often separate emotionally from her husband during the marriage because she has already processed her feelings over a long period of time before a divorce has even occurred. This allows her to be emotionally ready to date once she divorces. In comparison, studies found that divorced men are not emotionally ready to date following a divorce, but will quickly beginning dating following the breakup mainly for physical reasons. Be honest…are you ready to date? Not too sure…check with your therapist or friends.
- So You’re Ready to Date…How do You Tell Junior?: Isn’t it crazy that when we were younger, we’d have to ask our parents for permission to date? Now in our 40s, we no longer need our parents permission to date, but in similar vein we do need to talk to our kids about dating again! Well, at least this time you don’t need to ask the kids for permission! It’s very important that prior to dating you do talk to your children about your desire to date again and in a way that is least stressful and most supportive of our little ones.
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- Casual Non-Stressful Environment: Please make sure that you talk to your children in a casual, non-stressful environment; reassure them that they are your first priority. Listen and respect your children’s response which more than likely will be negative. As psychologists explain, a child’s own identity is tied to his family. When the family unit a child has grown up in is disrupted, his sense of self is threatened. M. Gary Neuman, who has also created many family court sanctioned divorce therapy programs for children and is the author of Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way explains, “It sometimes hammers the message that our parents are never going to get back together.” In his practice, Neuman recalled one 13-year old boy’s comment, “I feel now that my parents are separated, I don’t exist.” This boy’s comment reinforces how important it is to have a honest and direct talk with your children before dating about: (a) why mom and dad want to date and possibly have a new relationship; (b) what mom or dad will do when a new relationship becomes serious; and (c) how mom’s or dad’s relationship with them will not be affected.
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- Do Not Start Dating Immediately After Announcing Your Intention to Date: Since your family has already been disrupted by your divorce (or death), do allow a sufficient amount of time for your children to adjust to the concept that there may be a new person in their home which may add further disruption. Let them process this in a reasonable amount of time.
- Introducing Your New Love Interest: So, you’ve got a match through your dating app, and have met someone whom you really like. Should you introduce him to your children?
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- Be Extremely Selective About Who You Introduce: It’s important to not have a revolving door of strangers introduced to your child. This is both unhealthy and stressful for them . Make sure that you are serious about your partner. The rule of thumb is to introduce your new dating partner only after you have dated for several months, and that your new partner is willing to keep your children as the top priority. Until then, it is helpful to date on nights that you don’t have your children. During this transition time, most parents employ a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy which is an unspoken rule for parents to keep their romantic lives separate from their children. Remember that a divorce will make a child anxious and fearful of losing their parent to another person. So be patient and empathetic with your child, keeping communication lines open and honest.
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- Consequences of Introducing Children too Early to Your Partner: Introducing your child too early to your beau can have unintended harmful consequences. If your child ends up liking him and developing an attachment, it will be emotionally tough for him should you end your relationship. Conversely, if your child doesn’t like your new beau, then he may become a wedge between you and your child.
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- Age and Temperament Considerations: In this season of your life, you probably have tweens, teens, or even young adults, all of whom should be introduced to your new serious partner. Expect some resentment and outright rejection of your partner. If that happens, it doesn’t mean that you have to stop seeing your partner. But, do listen and monitor any of the concerns they have raised. It’s also important to recognize that each child has a different temperament. Steven Spector, Phd Therapist offers this advice, “Be concrete with little ones, abstract with teens and preteens. Always use the concept of “friend”.
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- Fun and Neutral Location: For the first few meetings between your boyfriend and children, try to keep the location to a fun and neutral environment such as mini-golf or movie. This takes off the pressure and awkwardness that naturally occurs in such a sensitive situation. One couple, Laura and Jeff Solomon, went so far as to “plan” chance encounters with each other and their children. This allowed both families, adults included, to get to know each other in a relaxing way. It was such a success that to this day, their kids refer to how their mom and dad had met on one of these chance encounters!
- Dating Phase: You’ve introduced your partner to your children and now you’re steadily dating a wonderful man. Following the advice below will help you successfully navigate some recurring challenges of dating when you have children:
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- Be Clear that Your Partner is Not “Dad”: Since children have an allegiance to their parents including your ex, it’s important to be clear that your boyfriend is not replacing their dad. Rather, your boyfriend can serve as another adult role model in your child’s life. Along the same lines, rather than bad mouthing your ex or flaunting your new sexy boyfriend at him, treat your ex with respect as he is your children’s father. Do let your ex know if you’re dating someone steadily; don’t let him hear the news from the children. As therapist Steven Spector advised, “Clarify that it’s ok to like and love two different people. You can love your father or mother and also care about a new person.”
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- No “Step” Discipline: Following along the lines that your partner is not your children’s “dad” or “mom”, it’s best to have only you and your ex discipling your children. This will protect all the relationships involved: couple, children, and ex.
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- Keep Healthy Boundaries: In such a sensitive situation that dating someone who have children is, it’s important to understand and maintain clear boundaries to encourage healthy individual growth and family dynamics.
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- Prioritize Spending Time with Your Children Over Your New Relationship: Don’t spend all your free time with your boyfriend. Make sure that your children know that they are your #1 priority.
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- No Excessive or Inappropriate PDA in Front of the Children: Let’s face it, kids get grossed out when they see any type of PDA by their parents. Can you imagine how they will feel if they see any PDA, much less to say, excessive or inappropriate PDA between you and your new beau?! Not only will your kids be grossed out, but they may feel anxiety as to their place of affection in your heart. Older children like your tweens and teens may lose respect for you as an adult and parent. So, NO EXCESSIVE PDA, PLEASE!!!
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- No Romantic Sleepovers When Children Are Present in the House: Along the same lines of avoiding excessive or inappropriate PDA, it’s advisable to not have “sleepovers” with your beau when your children are present. Many therapists suggest that it’s best to follow this “sleepover rule” until you’re a completely committed couple, perhaps not until you have that sparkling diamond ring on your fingers! Sleepovers with both your beau and children home is not only awkward for your child, but it sets a bad example if you have tweens and teens. That saying, “Do what I say, not what I do” just doesn’t cut it here unless you don’t mind your teen having his girlfriend sleep over. As Professor Terri Orbuch of Oakland University noted, “Adolescents are watching and they’re going to model you. Kids do what their parents do”. So, save the jammies for the nights when your kids are with your ex!
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- Be Empathetic but Not a Pushover: While it’s great to be empathetic and respectful of your kids, it’s not healthy for either of you to allow them to overstep their boundaries as your children. For example, let’s say your children do not like your partner and want you to breakup. Listen to them, but unless they raise valid safety issues, you’re an adult who is free to do what you please. Capitulating to your child’s demand (provided there’s no safety issues for either you or him) is not healthy for your relationship dynamic, and you will soon find yourself being bossed or blackmailed by your child. At the same time, respect your child’s decision not to like your partner. But do let him know that although they don’t need to like your boyfriend, they do need to respect your decision and show respect to him.
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- Your Child is not Your Buddy: Yes, there may be moments when you’re in a fight with your boyfriend and you need to talk to someone. In these circumstances, NEVER talk to your child about your relationship problems. More than likely your child is already predisposed to taking your side and will likely resent your partner for not treating you right. If you later forgive your boyfriend, how can you expect your child to do so if you’ve told him horror stories about your boyfriend?!
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- Don’t Overindulge His Kids: If your boyfriend has children, don’t try to win them right away with expensive gifts or other superficial ways. They may view this type of behavior with suspicion and view you in a negative light. To them, you may appear to be either insecure and looking for their approval, or manipulative in trying to win their father by winning them over. Treat your beau’s children with respect, get to know them slowly, and respect proper boundaries. You’ll be better off in the long run!!!
No one ever said dating in your 40s would be easy,.. and yes, you should mentally prepare yourself for challenges and heartaches. Rest assured… you will experience the joy and excitement in finding love again. Plus, dating experts say that getting divorced in your 40s or 50s can actually improve the quality of your future relationship! Remember, the things or people that we truly appreciate and cherish are things that do not come without its challenges. Hopefully, the tips in this article will allow you to also experience the , and finding your happy ever after like Cinderella. And maybe you may be the next Brady Bunch (sans Alice the housekeeper)!
****Cocktail Chatterers, have any interesting dating experiences arising from having children in the home? ****
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